Sidney girven's journal

grief, emptyness, and control

2009-09-26T20:46:58Z

There has been a substantial amount of grief that i have been putting upon myself, no longer will i accept that fear, i need to run it out of my veins that causes all this turmoil. It is safe to say that problems do occur but the point is to climb over that wall, never forsake a chance to find growth. Yesterday and today has been a sign of me growing out of my head, for too long i have been letting small believable lies i actually want to happen. This grief and regret has eaten up my heart, maybe there is still time for it to repair and hopefully its not too late.

The home above my head

2009-09-19T00:06:33Z

Right now i am back in mcallen, i just had a long week at school modeling base plates and final casts, i carved my first tooth today, it was the front anterior tooth, i surprisingly sculpted it very well, it had the marginal ridge and the definition of a front tooth, anyways, i am going to quit the dental tech talk.

On to other news, i have finally gotten over the retched geena, i just realize that when people change so quickly for someone is not really a good quality, but its her descision and i am glad i am single again, tonight i am going to go to some party at charlies parents house and he invited some girls, i am not saying i want to actually have a weekend sex cruise, but i wouldnt mind if something crazy happened tonight.. "=p

Anyways, jasmin has been really nice to mee and has been hanging out everyday, i constantly see her, i dont know why this happens so much to me, i guess im a clingy kind of guy to latch onto..
i guess i am the perfect host for a parasite to suck off of.
My damn scooter ran out of juice actually, i am charging it for a couple of hours and see if it works..

Coming back to mcallen is such a drag and has a lot of variables, i can either make the best of it or just have a shitty weekend, because it could turn like that in seconds for me.

down to earth tempo with a whimsical side of ice cream.

2009-09-09T17:42:13Z

So far my day has been really boring, aside the fact that i had a good time learning about psychoanalytical theory i have been having problems with adjusting. It sucks so much that a lot of drama happened when i left for the first week of school, its such a daunting task to balance school with feeling like shit but hopefully everything will subside like an ocean washing up to the coastal plains. I know i am mud now, but hopefully the wind will carry away my sand remains to a new piece of mind.

Anyways, i got some plugs and i am looking forward to gauging them, this should be a painful year..

Hmm well i have to go to my Removable Prosthetics class, today i think we are going to make some base plates for the actually teeth to go on.,

matthew girven

manic depressive rain drops in my hair, oh how i wish this muggy weather ended.

2009-09-08T22:06:55Z

well last night was pretty hilarious, There were a bumch of people getting innebriated at the bbq pits behind my dorms, it was pretty weird going up to all those individuals and just start talking about drugs and how they are gorwn and there history and classifacation, anyways back to the story, i was standing outside with my room mate drinking a beer and smoking a cigarette, when i hear someone fall on the floor, i look to my left and there was one person standing up and a young freshmen on his face, as soon as he fell a can of air duster came out of his hands, when we got down there he got up and took a huge hit again of the duster. well since he never learned he fell down again and actually busted his face and teeth open, following with vomiting of blood and disgusting bile., it was the best thing that has happened so far in this piece of shit city, i just cant believe some stupid kid can get that fucked up from duster. Anyways about my day, i woke up at 9 and felt a little groggy from all the budwieser i drank last night, went to class at eleven and actually started to sculp teeth and learn the morphology of the posterier teeth. It was pretty fun playing with the wax and molding it out of that green stuff, i was playing with fire most of the day, i talked to jasmine a bit about relationships and how its just so inconvient when whenever someone breaks up and has to have that space. Its a necessary though, for the healing process i guess. I think i actually might want to start talking to jasmine even though she is young and stupid, but she might need a little bit more of a mature hand. However i dont think i have room for anymore love this fall, i just still want to wait for geena. I cant wait to get my finacial aid money actually this friday, even though i am going to be stuck here for two weeks i think charlie is going to come over and hang out with me. Or i may go to brownsville with matt and see whats going on over there, there might be a party. i seriously need to party, i am just tired of being with only one or two people a night, i want to see throw up, chicks screaming there head off, lines being railed off in the bathroom, constant smoke, and a hazy smile coming from my lips. Well, i have to go to my art class right now, and after that i have to run two miles, i didnt run yesterday and i think the beer is trapped in my stomach, i hate getting a belly. Last night i actually learned a lot about prelithical and neolithical art, it is so facinating how 40,000 years ago humans were fully devolp to see images and use them as a ritualistic purpose and to make bone sculptures out of barbaric tools. It sucks though there wasant any writing to actually say why these things were created. Anyways i am out of here... laters matthew girven

Days are celebrated with ice cold grimness and a bucket full of heads.

2009-09-07T19:30:38Z

Yes, i am back in harlingen, wondering what the hell happened this weekend, i got way to drunk i guess. I hung out with charlie and willie all weekend and got my stuff back from geena beans and gave her game cube back, i am feeling some what better i guess, i just need some time alone from a lot of things, drinking most of all,

I am going to try and make this a good week and stay busy as much as possible, i am pretty sure i am going ot be making a lot of final casts of teeth and actually getting start on creating partial dentures and learning the trade i guess, I am actually going to start on some art projects as well, once i get my money i am going to buy some balsa wood and some other materials and build a box to put things in and decorate it all bad ass, i have the plans for it all ready.

On to other news, i actually got invited to go watch transformers with a couple of people, i remember when geena and i watched transformers for free when she worked at cinemark, we sneaked in some beer and had a great time. It was so hilarious hearing all the comments from different people about that movie, "it was a hit or miss" "it was bad ass" "it sucked the first one was better" " there were a lot of bad jokes and stupid perverted behavior" lol stupid people.

Man it feels so weird to have a monday off, i dont have school till 11 tomorrow so i am definitely going to sleep in, of course i need to read my first chapter for art appreciation, i didnt make it to class on thursday, so hopefully im not fully boned.

Argh, im so bored, anyways i guess i will end this journal entry here, I need to start writing some poems and fill this place up with a bunch of romantic crap..

Where did all the happiness go.,

2009-09-05T17:50:47Z

I was really excited about coming back to Mcallen two days ago, i was going to pick up my stuff from geenas and have a few words with her but that obviously failed. I gave her this awesome drawing and she seemed to like it, it took me forever to draw. I think i am going to draw her another one, i asked her out on a date for next week on her birthday. i just hope she accepts. Last night when i saw her she looked so gorgeous, and i felt like i had butterflies in my stomach, I know she is seeing this other guy but i really hope i can come back into the picture. I guess im still in love even though my behavior a couple weeks ago didnt show that, but everyone deserves a chance, its what keeps things rocking in my opinion.

Anyways, on to other news, i visited my old work place the olive garden and at least they seem to miss me, they have a lot of new workers that seem really young and dont know what they are doing, at least thats what everyone told me. I have been wondering if i should get a job on the side so i can have extra cash, but my financial aid money should be coming in soon.

I guess this really isnt the best entry i have made, i am a bit hung over and dehydrated, i need to start running again actually.

love hate

2009-09-02T03:29:31Z

ugh, i have recently uncovered that geena is "talking" to johnathan now and its so upsetting that i screwed things up she wont give me a chance,

i really need some help right now, my sister says just to move on but i dont want to, i really love her and i want to be with geena, we spent the whole summer together and this time apart kills me every night, i just wish that there is something i could do, i really hope nothing physical happens between each other, that would just tear me apart.

Why does this allways happen to me, everything that i love turns to shit and never comes back, i dont want to be alone anymore, i cant believe i actually feel like crying, i never cry.

I miss geena so much, but i think this is it :-(

Cities to me are supper times as clouds and sunrise are the letters that i dream for.

2009-09-01T21:07:37Z

Today has been a very exciting day, i met a lot of new people in my dental laboratory tech class, everyone seems nice and respectful, well just the people sitting next to me.

I have been running 2 miles a day for two days, i am so tired and sore, but this pain that i am feeling is a reminder of how bad i made things for geena, i talked to her two days ago and i think she wants to just be friends for now but i dont know if that is going to work. We had a great relationship and i am allways going to try and get her back. Hopefully she can forget this bad of sticks that i am.

I really do miss her, she has some sort of impact on me, i have been smiling more and actually paying attention to detail. She also taught me how to be more patient and to just be myself.

I remember the first time i met her i had my long hair and we were at my friend rogers, he lost his nut and we left to charlies house, i got there before anyone else and i was standing underneath a tree, she shows up and shyly says hi and i started talking to her about what happen and she took GREAT interest in me after that, that night was the first night we kissed and saw something greater for the both of us,

She has had really crappy relationships i think and i know she is scared of me because i acted like a jerk to her, I guess i didnt think enough about my actions which is some what the story of my shitty life,

Learning from my mistake is something that i have to do, She never did anything wrong except hold hands with that john character but im all right, she knows that she was wrong i guess, but i should have never acted like a fool about it, i think things will work out..

On to other news my professor for DLT is pretty fun, he goes off in tangents though which makes the class go by faster, Now i have to go to my art appreciation class, i havent had any home work for the past two days ive been to school, i will probably have to study for psychology tomorrow.

i wish geena had an lj, so she could read this.. :-/

good news

2009-04-15T21:04:34Z

All right, before i go to work and damn everything, i just wanted to type out a few words, I am finally getting my scooter this weekend, It is going to be a piece of pie in the sky.

Now i can go anywhere and not rely i people as much for rides..
of course i am still going to need a ride or two if i am extra drunk :-P

the scooter i am going to get looks like this.

Waking from a dream

2009-04-08T19:43:31Z

I found out that my dreams are just the past memories and future thoughts of what could become of me. I find my self wandering in the new places and meeting new faces with a hint of everyone i met in there features. This dream world usually consists of a green/ bluish background, Gigantic buildings and structures, and flying people. Some nights it the dream paints a more dark description then the one above however those are days where i call fear my common emotion.

Whenever i wake up from these sublime visions, I open my eyes and find matter the surface of my eye as i am trying to remember what happened.

Was i some crazy hero mutant flying through city buildings escaping from some alien cultist group, or just watching everything wishing that would happen in this messed up reality we call the present. I have a lot of ticks and bugs to work with under my handsome face, but when the time comes i will continue my plan to further my lucid dreaming by thinking about it everyday and getting a lot of rest.

Ha yes, Another entry.

2009-02-06T17:00:14Z

Okay. so i have a quick 5 minutes to jot down a few of my thoughts...

lovely flutter bugs in my stomach
cool breeze through my hair
no chips on my shoulder
love for my mom, dad, and sister
ah. all right. thats it for meow.

oh i forgot, a new package filled with aprons for olive garden.

latah suckah.

covered in frogs?

2008-07-24T20:45:51Z

i cant make up my mind on what i want to do for my comic book. i want to make a serious one yet at the same time i am not a very good writer to actually make something interesting and deep. I want to go for a humorous take. i guess it would be

beneficial

just to come up with a couple of characters.. i am just tired of drawing the human anatomy.

the flies may still live... but i need to re write a whole bunch of stuff, and actually start drawing.... man. life sucks sometimes..

im down and out.
no girlfriend..
no shoulders.
crappy job
alcohol
and this mind bending interplanetary thoughts that make me seem less then human...

argghghghggfjuirhaoirj;y

absolute chaos

2008-05-19T19:57:55Z

Tonight! i work!

:-/

i am really starting to dislike everything.

jason's deli returns from hell!

2008-05-16T18:59:09Z

"Yes, im back onto earth.. bring me my plasma cannon and we can toast these sandwiches ourselves!"
- over reactive imagination

Work at the deli is moving along quite well. I get to meet new people and getting involved with serving a good lunch. I think all of this experience i am attaining will help reach for that scooter i need to get around the city and also learn to keep my financial situation afloat.

Things i have started and completed.

1. finished a song on the lsdj tracker.
2. started drawing a new series of pixel characters. a turtle, cat, and a dog.
3. i cleaned my house..

oh gosh.. i have work today as well.

oh man, i need to have a more hectic life..

loyalty for creation!

2008-05-07T21:49:50Z

Dreams and the super natural indeed, just the word it self extends the messages from beyond to a greater comprehension of our lord. for about 13 years of my life i have created my own niches to escape responsibility and it is all going to end soon.

and its all thanks to the creation of our abstract world. the animals are dreaming when they are awake, and so am i. i can touch the sky if i wanted to. But i would rather dig into the center. where the gate is, for an untouched plain of existence.

i might sound a bit passionate, but i can feel a connection between stars and the billions of other realities that do exist in invariable space.

Music is usually used as a transport, to create rhythm is part of the process to help connect with our greater soul we need to uplift from the grave. Its funny really as I think about it, you cant really become grime, it just creeps up on you and drops a unhappy load of filth, and a pill addiction. Its really just the flow you feel through certain music.

to the point, being creative will not make you rich or poor, but will form a gate of free will and acceptance. This is ultimately god. A non restrictive force that will flow through the brightest souls, poor or rich, creativity just forms new ideals and order for anything imaginable.

However, being creative needs constant loyalty. It is really sad because I forget that there is a lot of life outside, even in between the cracks of this shaky wood house I live in. With out my growing loyalty to be a free willed man, I would succumb to the power of commercial business, the exchange for profit and leisure. With the loyalty however, I can grow into a true tradesman of art, music, and most importantly, responsibility.

work today...

2008-05-06T20:04:22Z

Oh god. what the hell am i going to do today..

2008-05-05T16:58:53Z

okay i will start off with a list first..

1. Call Jason's Deli for my schedule
2. Download some more chiptune, emotronic, drone, and maybe some fun breakcore junk!
3. Draw precious
4. take a shower
5. make some really good tacos
6. bike

Ah dang i need to get a new bed, my back hurts and my shoulders are killing me right now.. for only being 22 i know this can cause a problem when the arthritis kicks in. :-D hehe.

oh man. i need to put my head back on..

latezzzzz

casiocommandor @ 2008-05-04T18:07:00

2008-05-05T00:09:00Z

i want my gameboy back val!

the time it takes to travel to damogram.

2008-05-04T21:42:11Z

Yes so i have had a very weird week so far. I have realized a few things

1. People are never what they seem to be
2. to many people listen to the fucking beatles.
3. trying to paint over your regrets isnt a bad idea.
4. space travel is never going to happen
5. working is possibly the only thing i have in life
6. college is expensive
7. my friends dont care about me.

ugh it has just been a very unrelenting week i suppose... ive been working at the house, cleaning and making food for the family.
pretty soon i will be working at jasons deli and start making some money..

my uncle said some important things to me last night at my cousins graduation ball.

your mother is possibly the most important connection you will ever have in your life.. dont mess it up and start having more ambition when it comes to being a successful citizen.

I can relate to that man more then anyone else i know..

anyways.. back to the subject. i am just tired of hanging out, i actually want to start on a few projects but i need to start working i guess in order to actually buy the things i need.

i want to start dating again as well...

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oh yeah.. my comic strip is in my friends car who i have been calling all fucking week and to my dismay, ignores my phone calls.. so i will have to scan it whenever he is done pouting over his simple life.

cya later lj!

Yes, almost finished

2008-04-30T00:42:49Z

Yes, i finally have my comic book half way done...

next post is going to be great!

casiocommandor @ 2008-04-26T16:18:00

2008-04-26T22:22:37Z

There really is nothing in my power to actually get her back. i have tried so many times to actually fix our problems.

i am real sorry i ruined her life and mine..

There HAS to be a way though, if there are protocols for talking to ex girlfriends i can find a way.
I just miss her ways, she allways made me feel so great whenever we would just hang out at my house and chat for hours about stuff that mattered or didnt.

i have no clue what to write anymore..

i will save this entry for another soggy humid day. :^(

casiocommandor @ 2008-04-15T18:58:00

2008-04-16T01:00:55Z

i just cant take these constant aches in my head anymore. my life is becoming to chaotic again and i feel the lack of trust from a lot of people..

i really want to change and want to have fulfillment.

there are just times where i act like an idiot, and now i am admitting to a mistake.

morning breeze and talking beans!

2008-04-08T03:45:09Z

eh i wish i was more prolific then i should be..
i want to create more divergent realties for the characters i create in my head..
most of the time they are the actualy embodiments of some friends, random people in my dreams and sometimes myself.

i am creating this comic book about two dumbfounded flies trying to plaster there reproduction organs to there nearest hole before they die in 24 hours..

it is a raunchy subject, but that is what they do...

whatever i guess, i am having a hard time trying to relate that to humans... which is some what possible especially the sextrvaganza i saw at the beach two weeks ago.

anyway im out of here..

keeping it old school!

2008-04-02T23:25:35Z

Yes so right now i am basking in the freshness of solvent's very good rythem patterns and darlicious square synths!

woohooo!

while i am listening to this classic electronic musician i am drawing everyone i know into a cartoon character just for fun and to practice my pencil strokes. hopefully i can get it done within a month and make a cool poster of it. it would be nice to actually color it but i never really like those fancy prisma colors.

paint would be better... but i need to get some butcher paper so i can draw them all!

hehe.. anyway, i hung out with will last night..

it would have been cooler if he wasnt so messed up.

anyway. i hope my friend gets his job and i can go out tonight. :-)

cya!~

shitake!

2008-03-30T21:34:24Z

oh man my chest hurts really bad.. i think its heartburn... uhh.. please dont die one me now... i need to make things right!